4 posts tagged “feelings”

Sometimes I wish I can't feel anything.  I don't want to care...I don't want to love...I just want to feel dead inside.  If you can't feel emotions, you don't hurt right?  Is it even worth it?  I sometimes think it isn't.  All it does is hurt and you feel alone.  You begin to feel like you are nothing.  I hate tears.  I get so mad at myself if tears start to fall.

I came across a old journal this morning when I was looking for a pair of shoes i haven't worn in quite sometime.  I actually thought I had gotten rid of all my old journals because they were nothing but a lot of pain written.  Surprise surprise, I found one and I couldn't help but sit here and feel a lot of that pain over again and to reflect on where I am today and how it frustrates me even more. 

I browsed this journal more during my lunch hour and I could see how I have and am always taken for granted.  It doesn't get to me so much much anymore.  I just stopped doing a lot of things I use to love doing for others....I keep myself from feeling much of anything and I have gone back to keeping others at arms length.  I have even seen myself pulling back from ones that I love now. 

Its sad.  I really hate that I have resorted to this but I am tired of always getting hurt...always feeling worthless.  I looked around today in class...how everyone around me is talking amongst each other and there i sat....quiet...keeping to myself.  Its safer that way -nods-

You can only take so much when you decide enough is enough and you start making changes.  It gets really old when others make you feel like you are just not worth anything and you have to proof yourself over and over.  Guess what?  I am no longer that woman.
..........................................
I felt that I needed him
And I'm sure that he needed me
But when I gave him all I am
He didn't take it seriously

I didn't have tons to offer
Though I did supply love and support
He accepted all the care I gave
But than I ran short

I just needed a bit of attention
And a little love my way
But he took for granted my helping hand
No reason, I had, to stay

I must admit I loved him
From the bottom of my heart
But treating people that way
Is a guarentee you'll part

I wish he understood
That it's great to give love away
Though, getting it back in return
Is what I always did pray

He shouldn't have took advantage
Of everything I did
So I hope he'll realize
Why no longer, with him, I could live

Is it even possible to be happy but yet sad at the same time?  Or am I just a freak?  I could be smiling and not a fake smile but a happy smile.  Yet at the same moment my tears are welling up with tears and it feels like someone is reaching inside and tying your stomach up in knots. One moment I could be sitting there and having a good hard laugh but then at the same time, I just want to slide to the floor, curl up into a ball and cry my little heart out.

I'm not liking this feeling at all..Not one bit

It's hard to believe that it will be 2 years next month since my father passed away.  You have to wonder where all the time went and look back on all the changes that have happened in my life.  There has been some bumps down the road but for the most part, I think my family has managed pretty well.  

For as long as I can remember, once I hit my teen years, my father and I had a love/hate relationship.  It's not that we hated each other but we were so much alike that we tended to butt heads quite a lot.  I hate fighting with a passion.  I hate screaming matches, and feeling so frustrated, you just want to stand there and scream so loud your head explodes.  He tended to bring the worse out in me.  He was the type to hear only what he wanted to hear, even when you were standing there and trying to explain whatever it was you were explaining.  He would never listen and that always left me frustrated.

When we were getting along, things were great!  We enjoyed a lot of the same things, had things in common.  We would talk for hours, have movie dates and just having a good time.  Times like that, it was peaceful in the household and everyone around us was happy lol

But thinking back, I don't really remember many memories with my father when I was younger.  I do have one memory that I has always been special to me, but only because it really was so unlike my father. Or I should say, I don't think he was ever like that again.

My sister and I were really young. I believe I was 5 and she was 3 and my parents were on a trial seperation and we had been staying at a Aunts house.  My father had came to pick us up for the evening and I remember him cooking us dinner.  After dinner, he had us sitting on his lap and he was reading us some fairytales from this huge book that we had.

That may be a simple memory and it will mean nothing to anyone else, but when it came to affection, he just didn't have it.  I don't remember ever sitting on his lap anytime after that.  Ever.  For him to utter the words I love you, was like pulling teeth and I rarely heard that from him.  I believe the last time I heard those words from him was when my sister died some 15 yrs ago, when he grabbed me, crying and telling me he loved me.  Even then, those words shocked me and I didn't quite know how to handle the situation.  Sad isn't it?

The day before he passed away, him and I got in this huge fight early on in the day over something really stupid.  It left us both really mad, that for the rest of the day, we avoided each other and utter not a word.  I remember getting up the next morning, feeling odd, knowing that I had to face him because I knew he would be up when I went to get ready for work.  It was like nothing every happened!  He said something silly as a good morning and we sat there for a good hour, talking and laughing it up before I headed off to work.

I am so thankful for that because a hour later, he passed away.  

Last few days have been kind of odd and quite surprising to me. Without getting into much detail, for it's really no ones business, I recieved a email that sort of brought some things out for me. With this email, I felt alot of emotions and it really surprised me. First, it was hurt..had nothing to do with the emails main subject. Ohhhh yes, wasn't quite expecting it and was floored needless to say but in a way, I guess deep down I kinda knew it from previous times. Guess I didn't really want to know and so sort of closed my eye's to something that was sitting right infront of me. Im pretty good at being naiive, so this isn't something new. What hurt me was having this friend, who I felt, and even thought, we had a decent enough friendship, that he could come to me with anything. But, without really knowing his reasons why, ( for we havent really touched on this yet) there isn't a whole lot I can say. We came a long way since we first started talking and so I thought by now, after a year and the many hours we have talked, we have overcome the trust issue if that was what it was.. -shrugs- so, upon reading this email, it was like a kick in the stomach to realize that maybe it wasn't what I had thought all along! It's hard when you realize 2 people that you love and care about doesnt trust ya if that was the case..I didn't think I ever gave either them a reason not to trust me yanno? Maybe I haven't been a good enough friend...I just don'ttttttttt knowwwwwwwww.

But I guess the one thing that has really surprised me is what I have come to realize..I knew I cared for this person, but till yesterday, I didn't know the extent till there was that chance that I could lose him! He has become such a huge part of my life, really been the only one there in the past year that I could open up too..Out of the others I talk to rather online or r/l, he's been the one I knew would never judge me, make me feel worse or lecture me. Just sit there, listen to me, and give me a hug or a shoulder to cry on. He lets me be me.
Haven't really been able to talk to him since this all happened and it's driving me crazy cuz I know he is dealing with a whole lot right now and I can't be there for him like I want to be..But well hell, he might not even want me to be there for him. It sucks that there are things up in the air yet and there is nothing you can do just yet. I got a message from him a lil bit ago and it was a relief. Both have been on my mind all day and at least I know one is doing somewhat ok..Can rest a lil bit anyways.

Will things be ok? Will I lose him? I guess only time will tell -sighs-